1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at
least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key..."
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
shorts. The shrink says, Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid
that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the
steaks are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant
pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I
know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire
in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
Kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of
his head.Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 'Is it common?' "It's not
13. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. "My dog is
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet,
"let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes,
then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put
him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball
stuck up my backside. "How's that?" "Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can
you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your
Oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There
are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum
or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid,and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the
other one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking
Fine.' So that was nice."
22. A man walked into the doctor's, he said, "I've hurt my arm
in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning
when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish
search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect
that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple
of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."