It's a late Tuesday night as I ready myself for a night of chat and email. I turn the rear-view mirror towards me, checking the angle. In this game you have to know what you've said before and I was not going into this electric playground unprepared. Making a quick appraisal of my presentation: not too revealing yet not stuffy, challenging not pushy, bold not brazen, I stuff my pocket dictionary into my purse (not a standard feature), check my address book, turn on the power and proceed with caution. As I enter the world of virtual communication I notice a flashing on my screen. Could it be a power surge? d*mn, it's the cops! . I'm pulled into "Chat".
Cop 1>Good evening. Proof of name please.....
Cop2>uhem, ALL of them Ms. Hetic..
I give the man my real name, my moniker, my alias. He runs them through his computer for verification. I hear my stats being discussed among themselves; it's hard to hear what they are talking about through their laughter. God, this is humiliating! %-/!
Cop2>O.K. Sorry about the delay. Do any of these names look familiar to you?
I look through a long list of names. I tell the cops that a couple are familiar. I point to a few names of guys I write to. The cops exchange knowing glances, shut their notepads, and say...
Cop2>We hate to be the ones to break the news to you Pat_Hetic, Quasimodem, Quasi-Here, Monkey Wench, or whatever the hell you are calling yourself tonight, but in our line of work we like to refer to these men as Virtual Stalkers. They cruise the net looking for unsuspecting women, such as yourself to Hood Wink ;-), It really doesn't help that you name yourself Pat-hetic, Yeah...we got it! It's just the type of woman that is preyed on, not prayed for, most often. The good news is that you are driving an old profile, not many approach the older models. They really aren't worth as much out on the net, there is some value for their parts, but the fact that they are perceived grateful usually tips the balance.
I mention that I am not grateful. Grateful to be alive maybe...but that's about it.
Cop1>The perception exists that the older models can teach something out there...but the truth is they are too tired usually to move much.
Cop2>Yeah, what part about the word "old" do they not get? Heh, heh heh!
The cops exchange the most horrid of smirky looks. I am starting to get insulted. If I hear the word cougar I'm complaining to their superiors.
Cop2>Why did you think these guys were writing to you anyway?
(Shrugging) I told them that my entries were quite thought provoking, rather amusing, fresh!
The cops start to giggle, breaking down into uncontrollable laughter. They laugh so hard that coffee spews from their noses. Tears of laughter run down their faces. When they finally regain their composure they continue...
Cop 1>Lady ....WAKE UP! Have you read any of your own posts? You didn't even suspect anything, not even once? I find that hard to believe. I mean what did you think when you received a few "Jeffrey Dahmer" pics?
Indignant, I demanded to know what he was referring to.
Cop1>Don't you be telling us that you have never received pictures of men with naked torsos, some actually headless. We can check your message history, so you aren't fooling anyone.
Honestly I thought it might be bad photography, and I did receive emails from those living in warmer countries. There might be a perfectly good reason why men would be half naked when answering the proverbial email door. One guy actually said that all his clothed pictures got ruined in a basement flood. That makes sense...right? 8-# (editors note-true story)
Cop2>Welcome to Club Naive, the club for self-deluding women. I admit you are the oldest one that we've pulled over tonight and you do look clueless. Honestly, don't you know how to lie yet?
The cop shines a flashlight in my face. This is so embarrassing.
Cop1>We just want you to be careful, serve and protect y-know. We are just trying to keep the net safe.
I ask them if there is anything I can do to help.
Cop2>As a matter of fact, yes. Include this incident as part of you profile as kind of a community service.
I say "Oh yeah, right...like it ain't tough enough out there. (a convertible with it's top down, rushes by followed by a gaggle of muscle cars)
Cop1>I could take away your access. You'd lose your virtual standing y-know.
Yikes, return to the real world?!
(The thought of getting dressed, putting on make-up and going out renders me strangely silent)
Cop2>Listen, we don't want to ruin your social life here. We know how the world works. The "real" men will get a kick out of it and take it in the spirit intended, the others will remain virtual in a court of law, unless proven otherwise.
I think, now WHO here is being naive?
Cop1>Oh yeah, one more thing before you go, We'd like to see some registration for your "Outlook".
They just gave me a warning this time, and the truth is I made it look like I was going to google something (I hope to hell that's legal) and turn off for the night. Soon as they were out of sight I came here.
Some girls just never learn.
So here goes...time to pull out the pocket dictionary
I am dynamic, in the A.S.P. sense of enjoying change, challenge and interaction.
My children live independently. Quirky, stubborn, opinionated, fun, dependable, conservative with a not so conservative coating, animated, silly, loyal and emotionally brave. I can be a tad impatient. I cry and laugh easily, but laugh exponentially more! I talk: with my hands, with inflection and energy. I enjoy the moment. I would like to be social with many, but desired by one.
I'm looking for...
I am looking for someone whose bad characteristics I can tolerate and good ones I can celebrate and pray that you can do that toleration thing with me! Creative is great, moral a mandate, engaged with life is endearing. If you can dance to the tune of your own drummer and keep your feet on the ground, not only do I want to date you, but attend the course you teach.You still get excited over things and take absolutely nothing for granted. You consider yourself positive; you appreciate that in others and know that the test of one's mettle does not happen when it's smooth sailing.
I really do not want to base my choices on a mere pic or percussive emails. I would like to know more about you.