| About | Non-Smoker with Athletic body type | City | Southampton Uk | |
| Details | 45 year old Man, 6' 0" (183 cm), Christian - other | Ethnicity | Caucasian Taurus with Brown hair |
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 Theyre not all mine |
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| I am Seeking a | Woman | For | Long Term | |
| Needs Test | Not Completed | Chemistry | View his chemistry results | |
| Do you drink? | Socially | Do you want children? | Prefer Not To Say | |
| Marital Status | Divorced | Do you do drugs? | No | |
| Pets | Dog | Eye Color | Brown | |
| Profession | Hod Carrier for Lego | Do you have children? | All my kids are over 18 | |
| Education | High School | Do you have a car? | Yes |
Relationship
Intent 98% is actively seeking a relationship. |
Relationship History The longest relationship 98% has been in was over 10 years long. |
About Me
I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other yesterday."Apparently "A meal for two with a terrible view" isn't the best way to announce number 69!
My doctor poked his finger up my a*** today which I found highly embarassing.
I was at the checkout at Tesco's at the time.
I just had the most mind blowing sex with this very hot girl. She really got into it as well, in fact she said I was the best she'd ever had,and if I came back again she might be able to give me a bit of a discount.
I was mortified when I caught my Dad dressed up in my Mum's clothes for the first time.
I mean that skirt with those shoes?
I wonder if Buzz and Woody, from Toy Story ever got to meet Andy's Mum's toys.
Bet they'd also have the same names.
If you watch the film '127 Hours' backwards it's a heartwarming tale of how a one armed man finds a replacement arm stuck between two rocks
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives. The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" Her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 50 quid, go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary , woman! You've no knickers--why not?"
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 20 quid, go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Hoot, mon, woman! Why are ye not wearing knickers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough housekeepin' money ta be able ta afford any."
The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, for the sake of decency, here's a comb, tidy yourself up a bit. "
Statisticly two out of every three pigs lose their home to a huff & puff incident
Aren't those magic eye pictures on Japanese pornos difficult?
A lady paid £1000 for a penis skin handbag. Her friend says "thats expensive for just a handbag". "Not really" she replys "if you stroke it, it turns into a suitcase''.
A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm....
'I'd like to buy a horth' he says.
What sort of horse?', said the owner.
'A female horth,' the owner shows him a mare.
'Nithe horth,' says the dwarf, 'can I thee her eyth?"
owner picks him up shows the eyes.
'Nith eyth', says the dwarf, 'can I thee her teeth?'
owner picks him up shows the teeth.
'Nith teeth,' he says 'now can I see her twot?'
the owner picks him up and shoves his head deep.
inside the horses vagina,pulls him out.The dwarf shakes his head and says 'Perhaps I should weefwaze that...
'Can I see her wun awound?
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
Little Johnny got kicked out of class today! The teacher asked him, "If I gave you £20 and you paid £5 to Joanne, £5 to Jane and £5 to Katie, what would you have?" Apparently, "Three blowjobs and enough left for a kebab," was the wrong answer.
A lady went to the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide. The pharmacist asked, "Why?" She replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist said 'Lord have mercy! that's against the law! Absolutely not!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
If 8 out of 10 cats prefer Whiskas, do the other two shave or wax?
Just a thought
A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.
'Son, where were you today?'
Son says 'at school dad.'
Robot slaps the son!
'Ok, I watched a dvd with my mates!'
'What dvd?'
'Toy story.'
Robot slaps the son again!
'Ok, it was a porno' cries the son.
'What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was' says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad!
Mum laughs 'Hahaha! He's certainly your son.'
Robot slaps the mum!
Woman's love poem:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart, and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed.
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind.
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Man's love poem:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me to watch the football. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a damn.
If you've got this far "Congratulations"but you seriously must have to much time on your hands lol,my age is wrong but it won't let me alter it.I'm 10yrs older than stated don't wanna be seen as fibber ;o)
My doctor poked his finger up my a*** today which I found highly embarassing.
I was at the checkout at Tesco's at the time.
I just had the most mind blowing sex with this very hot girl. She really got into it as well, in fact she said I was the best she'd ever had,and if I came back again she might be able to give me a bit of a discount.
I was mortified when I caught my Dad dressed up in my Mum's clothes for the first time.
I mean that skirt with those shoes?
I wonder if Buzz and Woody, from Toy Story ever got to meet Andy's Mum's toys.
Bet they'd also have the same names.
If you watch the film '127 Hours' backwards it's a heartwarming tale of how a one armed man finds a replacement arm stuck between two rocks
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives. The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" Her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 50 quid, go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary , woman! You've no knickers--why not?"
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 20 quid, go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Hoot, mon, woman! Why are ye not wearing knickers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough housekeepin' money ta be able ta afford any."
The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, for the sake of decency, here's a comb, tidy yourself up a bit. "
Statisticly two out of every three pigs lose their home to a huff & puff incident
Aren't those magic eye pictures on Japanese pornos difficult?
A lady paid £1000 for a penis skin handbag. Her friend says "thats expensive for just a handbag". "Not really" she replys "if you stroke it, it turns into a suitcase''.
A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm....
'I'd like to buy a horth' he says.
What sort of horse?', said the owner.
'A female horth,' the owner shows him a mare.
'Nithe horth,' says the dwarf, 'can I thee her eyth?"
owner picks him up shows the eyes.
'Nith eyth', says the dwarf, 'can I thee her teeth?'
owner picks him up shows the teeth.
'Nith teeth,' he says 'now can I see her twot?'
the owner picks him up and shoves his head deep.
inside the horses vagina,pulls him out.The dwarf shakes his head and says 'Perhaps I should weefwaze that...
'Can I see her wun awound?
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
Little Johnny got kicked out of class today! The teacher asked him, "If I gave you £20 and you paid £5 to Joanne, £5 to Jane and £5 to Katie, what would you have?" Apparently, "Three blowjobs and enough left for a kebab," was the wrong answer.
A lady went to the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide. The pharmacist asked, "Why?" She replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist said 'Lord have mercy! that's against the law! Absolutely not!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
If 8 out of 10 cats prefer Whiskas, do the other two shave or wax?
Just a thought
A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.
'Son, where were you today?'
Son says 'at school dad.'
Robot slaps the son!
'Ok, I watched a dvd with my mates!'
'What dvd?'
'Toy story.'
Robot slaps the son again!
'Ok, it was a porno' cries the son.
'What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was' says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad!
Mum laughs 'Hahaha! He's certainly your son.'
Robot slaps the mum!
Woman's love poem:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart, and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed.
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind.
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Man's love poem:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me to watch the football. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a damn.
If you've got this far "Congratulations"but you seriously must have to much time on your hands lol,my age is wrong but it won't let me alter it.I'm 10yrs older than stated don't wanna be seen as fibber ;o)
First Date
A Nun goes to the doctor and says, "I'm worried about some discharge - I think I'm getting too much." The doctor says, "Pop up on the couch and remove your pants." He puts on his latex gloves and shoves 3 fingers in her vagina and asks, "How does that feel?"
She replies, "Mmmmmmmm really nice, but the discharge is in my ear."
Two friends go to Africa to hunt lions. They pitch their tent and one of them unpacks all the gear while the other takes his gun and goes off into the jungle. All of a sudden, a huge lion appears in front of him. He reckons that by the time he takes his gun off his shoulder and takes aim the lion will be on top of him, so he turns and runs, the lion in hot pursuit. When he finally reaches the clearing where they have set up camp, he trips and falls a few yards in front of the tent and the lion bounds over him straight into the tent. He zips up the front opening and calls to his mate,
"OK! You skin that one and I'll get the next one!"
This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened,
their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and
they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll
pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be
the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.
Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts
on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him.
He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad,
he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around,
beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic
attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety
netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage!
As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts
screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his
paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"
Little Sam asked his Dad for a bike for his birthday. His Dad said "No son,the mortgage is £80,000 and your Mummy's just lost her job". The next day little Sam was walking out with his suitcase packed. His Dad asked "Where are you going son?!", Sam replied, "I walked past your bedroom last night and heard you tell Mum that you were pulling out & she said to wait cos she was coming too, so I'm not staying here on my own with an 80 grand mortgage and no bloody bike
The definition of trust:
Two hungry gay cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
She replies, "Mmmmmmmm really nice, but the discharge is in my ear."
Two friends go to Africa to hunt lions. They pitch their tent and one of them unpacks all the gear while the other takes his gun and goes off into the jungle. All of a sudden, a huge lion appears in front of him. He reckons that by the time he takes his gun off his shoulder and takes aim the lion will be on top of him, so he turns and runs, the lion in hot pursuit. When he finally reaches the clearing where they have set up camp, he trips and falls a few yards in front of the tent and the lion bounds over him straight into the tent. He zips up the front opening and calls to his mate,
"OK! You skin that one and I'll get the next one!"
This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened,
their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and
they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll
pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be
the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.
Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts
on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him.
He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad,
he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around,
beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic
attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety
netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage!
As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts
screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his
paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"
Little Sam asked his Dad for a bike for his birthday. His Dad said "No son,the mortgage is £80,000 and your Mummy's just lost her job". The next day little Sam was walking out with his suitcase packed. His Dad asked "Where are you going son?!", Sam replied, "I walked past your bedroom last night and heard you tell Mum that you were pulling out & she said to wait cos she was coming too, so I'm not staying here on my own with an 80 grand mortgage and no bloody bike
The definition of trust:
Two hungry gay cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
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