Periodic Updates (ad infinitum, ad nauseam):
*Just received my new Adamantine Visa card in the mail! Busted the nearly indestructible Mithral card despite Visa's assurance that it could not be done. Just one of two card holders in existence; yours truly and James Howlett. Who wants to help me have a go at it?
* I have a panel van, duct tape, lots of quick ties and some ether. Who want's to go for a ride?
* Attention: If I added you to my favorites, consider it a wink and an invitation for dialogue!
* Took my niece to see "Like Water for Elephants" tonight. Felt like I was watching Titanic all over again (replace the boat with an elephant and subtract one annoying love song and add another).
* Had a MRI yesterday. Spent the better part of an hour in a giant white plastic toilet paper tube only to come out feeling like shite (appropriate) upon hearing the news that my shoulder is shite. Guess I'm going to have to remove all of the "me-in-action" baseball pix. Photos to come of "me-in-ertia" sitting on the couch, playing on the computer, eating at McDonalds....
* Is it my imagination or is there an unusually large number of 29 year olds on POF?
* I just downgraded my "Body Type" to average. I run 4 days a week, hit the gym 5x per week and play baseball on Sundays but I love me some peanut butter straight out of the jar' and I'm not giving it up for POF! Plus, all those guys with 8-pac abs are putting me & my no-pac to shame. So downgrade I must" '
* I've been battling whits with one shrewd raccoon over the course of the past 3 nights and I'm not winning. Suggestions?
* Relegated to "Z-List" celebrity status by TMZ after an unfortunate wardrobe malfunction on live TV. J.Lo's stock goes up, mine down. Where's the justice?
* Staying home today. I Think I may have pig flu. How did this happen? I ate no pork. I've kissed no pig. I am no swine. I'm starting to whine. Do you think I'll be fine?
* Please contribute your comments to the "HELP PREVENT TOOLS OF IGNORANCE'S SLOW PAINFUL DEATH VIA THE JURY DUTY SELECTION PROCESS" fund. Your contributions are greatly appreciated and tax deductible!
* Double header today. All behind the dish. Two teams. 18 innings of ups & downs and a Monday morning breakfast of poached advil covered in a tylenol cream sauce. Delicious.
* If I said there was an evil monkey living in my closet, would that make me more or less attractive? Really.....I'm not kidding.
* It’s an odd morning. I’m feeling laconic and prolix all at once. Ironically, I don’t know what to do about either. To combat my antithetical dilemma, I think I’ll take an Ambien CR® with a Red Bull® chaser and see which adjective proves dominant. Please check in later for updates and a final score.
* Tools of Ignorance went out late last night. Tools of Ignorance had a lot of fun but Tools of Ignorance had too much to drink. Tools of Ignorance is at work today but Tools of Ignorance is hurting and paying the price for his actions. Tools of Ignorance is now experiencing some loss of higher brain function due to the destruction of millions of greatly needed brain cells. An indication of Tools of Ignorance’s Self-destructive behavior in the form of brain cell genocide can be found in Tools of Ignorance’s referral to himself in the third person. Tools of Ignorance doesn't normally roll like that.
* “Tools of Ignorance: The Musical” will be in limited release nationwide today. Bring your California proof of voter registration, one free California proof of voter registration redeemable for one Starbucks Grande Drip Coffee voucher and one free California proof of voter registration redeemable for a Krispy Kreme Doughnuts receipt for a 50% off 200% admission, mail-in rebate form. Rebates may be redeemed within 6 – 12 months of acceptance, preceded by a 15 month review period (pending qualification). Void in California.
* I purchased a $98.00 burrito today. There was nothing particularly spectacular or unique about it. It was just a burrito. Rice, beans, cheese, salsa and something that once had feathers & is the namesake for some nasty pox that children use to stay home from school. Yep, just a chicken burrito. Only, I handed the cashier $100 and got $2.75 in change. I have to ask, which is more criminal; The cashier pocketing my hundy and playing dumb when I returned to correct my grievous error or the fact that I was willing to spend just south of $8.00 for a little donkey?
* It's now 5 minutes since my last post. Who wants to come by for sweets?
* It’s official. I now live in an Easy Bake Oven. The heat has turned my home into a place where little girls can bake cakes or cookies by simply placing raw sugary dough on a flat surface (kitchen counter, a bed, toilet seat lid, my EKG lines after tonight’s heat stroke, etc.…). The bell that rings will signify the culmination of freshly baked desserts and simultaneously, spontaneous human combustion.
* Flying to San Francisco today via Virgin America! I’m very excited about getting out of town but I have to ask, is “Virgin” really the connotation an airline wishes to present to prospective passengers? I’m very confused. Does this mean my flight is to be loaded with sexually inexperienced individuals or is my flight crew on their maiden voyage? I trust it’s the aforementioned because let’s face it; I wouldn’t mind the feeling of sexual prowess over 150 strangers confined in an airborne aluminum coffin.
My idea of a perfect date? That's a tough one. I would have to say April 25th. Because it's not too hot. It's not too cold. All you need is a light jacket.
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